The Jammer Blog is back. Why were we gone? What were we doing? Did we find another lover? Yes to all 3.


This video clip was just way too funny and I’m sure as hell glad somebody put it on Youtube. Quick recap: Canucks are getting killed out in Minnesota. Lu sucks balls. And Rick Rypien can’t control his emotions.


Oh, and Alian Vigneault can move.




What up motha f*ck*s! Jammer back in the house for a little blogging action here. After having my heartbroken by an old looking Brett Favre, an inept looking Cowboys offense, and a Kevin Kolb fantasy selection, I am back to provide you with my thoughts from a scintillating week 1

1. Don’t look now (but if you must, here is where you look), but after going 14-0 to start the season last year, the Indianapolis Colts have lost 4 of their last 6 games (8 of the last 10 if you include Pre Season). The best part is, they’ve lost those 4 games all by double digits and have been outscored 124-61 in the process.

2. Jammers Bold statement number 1: The Colts suck balls

3. 8 of the 12 teams that made the playoffs last year lost game 1 of the season. The hardest part is deciding which team looked worst. The Bengals and their “high flying offense” were down 17-0 before I chopped down my morning wood, the Jets didn’t complete a 3rd down until the 4th quarter when all of North America switched the channel to watch Nadal win the US Open, and the Cowboys did this . NFL Football and it’s finest ladies and gentleman.

4. Jammers Bold statement number 2: The Jets lose next week vs. the Patriots and all of New York turns their back on Mark Sanchez.

5. Ray Lewis. Enough said.

6. The post Donovan McNabb era in Philly could not have started off any worse. Lets recap: D Mac gets traded out of Philly to a divisional rival (Washington), who go on to win their first game against last years NFC East Champions (Dallas Cowboys) on National Television.  Meanwhile, his replacement in Philadelphia, Kevin Kolb, ends the 1st quarter of his game vs. the Packers by leading his team to negative yards in the passing game. To make matters worse, Kolb is then forced to leave the game in the 2nd quarter with a concussion and may not be able to play this Sunday. To make matters even more disastrous, Kolb is replaced by “Public Relations Media Darling” Michael Vick, who actually plays so well that there is now a QB controversy in Philadelphia.

7. So in honor of this situation in Philly and because we love Michael Vick here at the Jammer Blog (Fuck you PETA), here is a retro video clip to get you through your day. Would anyone else like to see a remix of this song, featuring Michael Vick?

Much love.

The Jammer Blog

2011 Superbowl MVP, Brett Favre

Favre’s back bitches. While we may not be the first ones to report this (damn you ESPN), the Jammer Blog will be the first to fly down to Minnesota (economy class) and hand the Minnesota Vikings the 2011 Superbowl.  In honor of the greatest QB of all time returning to the NFL we thought we’d post a bunch of songs we felt would commemorate this occasion.

Jay Z- Show me what you got

I think 0:30-0:50 of this video sum up exactly what Brett Favre should say in his press conference.  Vikings fans, put “hands up and.. wave, wave, wave, wave”

PS. How sick is Jay-Z? Off the charts

John Cena- I’m a bad bad man

This song IS Brett Favre. The Vikings should do their team run out before a game and then there should be silence. And then this song should play, and Favre should do his own entrance (for both home AND road games). 0:55-1:00 sums up the message Brett Favre is sending to the rest of the league.

Chingy-Balla Baby

This chorus does a good job of summing up Brett Favre’s status in the NFL.

Mariah Carey-Hero

This song  is blaring out of the speakers in homes all across Minnesota. Is there a more fitting line than from 0:50-1:05?

Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Theme Song

Just replace Stone Cold with Favre in this video and this video is a good indication of what Favre is going to do to the league this year.

If the Vikings lose game 1 I am going to look like an even bigger idiot than I already do. But ladies and gentleman, this is the on the edge, high risk reporting we bring you here at the Jammer Blog.

Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday

Happy Ramadan!


As-Salāmu `Alaykum (السلام عليكم) to all my readers.

Given the nature of the opening sentence, I may only have 2 minutes to finish this post before United States’ Secret Service rolls up to my house.

Given that Ramadan has now finally moved back into the summer, this year may be among the toughest Ramadan periods for Muslims in recent time. So in honor of this intense period, we have composed our all Muslim sports team (aka the FBI’s watch list).

The heart and soul of the Vancouver Grizzlies

Just take a look at this front cover. Shareef gets the cover picture while Kobe Bryant just gets his name on the cover. He was the only asset the Grizzlies had in their time here in Van City, and we opted to surround him with the likes of Big Country Reeves, Cherokee Parks, and Othella Harrington. Even Mecca couldn’t save SAR from this misery


Tariq Abdul-Wahad. The name says it all. We actually couldn’t figure out if this dude was Muslim or not but we just assumed he was. A member of the Denver Nuggets in NBA Jam TE for the Super Nintendo, Abdul-Wahad was the perfect compliment to Dikembe Mutombo (another guy who we aren’t sure if he’s Muslim or not and are way too lazy to go and find out).

The Credibility

The highest scoring player in NBA history. Arguably the greatest college player in history. Yes, this man alone adds a shitload of credibility to the Muslim athletic population. Jabbar also keeps a running theme of Muslim players having 3 names.

The Leafs blow it again

The Toronto Maple Leafs have a propensity of trading away ridiculously high draft picks (see Phil Kessel trade). So when they DO make a pick , you think they wouldn’t blow it. Yet, that is exactly what they did by taking Nazim Kadri with their 7th overall pick in the 2009 draft. You have a top 10 pick, and you draft a brown guy? Maybe the Leafs are breaking new scouting grounds here and Iran is the new hockey hot bed for talented young prospects…or the Leafs just blew their latest first round pick and wont get another one until 2012.

Algeria's National Soccer Team

This post could not be written without including these guys. Only losing 1-0 to England at the World Cup, Algeria boasted a team of what we believe to be all practitioners of the Muslim faith. We have no proof, we are once again just assuming. This is the one of a kind reporting you get only here at the Jammer Blog.


Oh yeah, him. Arguably the greatest convert in the history of the religion (sorry Cat Stevens). Arguably the greatest athlete of all time (sorry Manny Malholtra). Arguably should have been the first guy on this last (not gonna lie, may have totally forgotten about Ali until right now).  There isn’t much to say about Ali that hasn’t already been said. So we thought we’d end off with a quote from the GOAT himself: “I am the greatest, I said that even before I knew I was.”

Happy Ramadan everyone! I want everyone to know that I ate a huge pork sandwich as I wrote this and am now going to the bar for 11am happy hour. Cheers!

Mike Modano walking into JLA (courtesty of

Mo-Mo-Mo-Modaaaaaaaaaaaano. He is. He is. Mo-Mo-Mo-Modaaaaaaaaaaaano.

The hometown boy has finally come home. The highest scoring American player of all time has signed on for 1 year with the Detroit Red Wings. Pimpin.
Many of you are probably wondering how and when he came to this decision. Lucky for you, I did some snooping around and found out exactly how it all went down. Hat tip to the dude who made this video–absolutley hilarious.


I’m sorry. I truly am. To all my loyal fans out there, I am sorry. Both of you are really great guys and I feel like I’ve let you down.

It’s true that I have not been updating my blog recently. While one could see this as laziness, we at the Jammer Blog think of it as resting our creative juices. To make amends for my lackluster blogging performances these past couple weeks, I came across a hilairious story yesterday that I think you all may enjoy. Take a look.

NOTE: I assure you I knew about this story BEFORE I googled “Brett Favre penis”. Thats my story and I’m sticking to it.

Does anyone else think Brett Favre needs to stop flip-“flop”ping around? I mean training camps “hard” enough as it is without knowing whether or not Brett’s gonna “cum” back or not. His return would most definitely put the Vikings a”head” of the Packers in the NFC North only because Favre is the complete “package”. There is nobody better in a 3rd and “schlong” situation than the Golden Brett. Nobody would question if Favre “hung” em up or not, but many would question whether or not the Packers will “erect” Favre’s jersey into the stands when its all said and done. Word on the street is that Favre’s ankle is still a tad “stiffy” and that is preventing him announcing his return. There’s no doubt that Favre has the ability to “penetrate” the endzone like no other QB in the league, but one must wonder if all the crashing and “bangin” he’s done over the years has finally caught up to him.

Jammer blog prediction: Favre will be in the lineup vs. the Saints on opening night strictly because there will be a  big black “Bush” waiting for him upon his arrival.

The big black Bush

Look who be back! And back with an edge. Dropping the vaunted F-Bomb in the title? That’s straight hoodin’. In the immortal words of 9 time WWE World Champion John Cena: “Aww, you done did it now
Chaos you shoulda put this one in the vault man!
They not ready – they don’t know what’s comin man!
Oh we gonna drop this on ’em right here
Y’all ain’t ready for this, Y’ALL AIN’T READY FOR NONE OF THIS!

1. Ilya Kovalchuk signed with the New Jersey Devils today after embarrassingly crawling back to the LA Kings 3 separate times to try and get a deal done. When he couldn’t get it goin with the Kings, he then saves face by signing with the Devils.

2. Can someone explain to me how the Devils allowed him to do this? Think of it this way: You propose to this girl you want to marry. She basically says yes but doesn’t take the ring just yet. While you’re waiting for her to accept your hand in marriage, she is out there whoring herself out still for a better partner. She then openly goes out and does everything she can to get this other guy (LA Kings) to offer her a hand in marriage. After failing miserably, she then takes you up on your offer of marriage and you are now locked in till “death do us part”.

3. I’m pretty sure Chris Brown and Rihanna had a healthier relationship than this.

4. Kovy signed for a reported 17 years. There is also believed to be an out clause if the Kings show interest in him at any point during the first decade of this deal.

5. On an actual hockey note, this signing makes the Devils 1 of only 5 teams (according to Jammer Blog calculations) who could have 2 40 goal scorers in their lineup (Kovy and Parise). Others include Pitt (Crosbitch and Malkin), Washington (Ovechkin and Semin), Detroit (Zetterberg and Franzen), and San Jose (Marleau and the murderer).

6. Note: The Blackcocks could have it as well, but history shows us that Hossa is the only to have done it (Kane and Toews haven’t really come close yet)

7. I hate Lebron James and the Miami Heat. I hate Lebron so much he has moved into number 3 on my all time hate list behind Sidney Crosby and Oprah Winfrey.

8. Greatest Radio Intro ever: This is it. I have listened to this about 10 times already. Dude brings up some unreal points.

9. Stat of the week: I know you just heard it, but Lebron James won 66 games last year, WITHOUT DWAYNE WADE. That is just too funny and too impressive.

10. Quote of the week: “If you’re the two-time defending NBA MVP, you don’t leave anywhere. They come to you. That’s ridiculous. I like LeBron. He’s a great player. But I don’t think in the history of sports you can find a two-time defending MVP leaving to go play with other people.”- Charles Barkley on Lebron James’ decision

11. Lebron James’ diamond jersey pendant has gone missing. Also missing are all of Lebron James’ championship rings.

12. Hey Lebron, you may be heading south, but your mom’s ridin’ West: Check it

13. I hate you Lebron.

14. Dwayne Wade recently said that he thought the Lakers were the favourites to win it all. Wait, what was that Dwayne? After an hour long TV special, an epic entrance into Miami with fireworks, smoke, and 20,000 people, all the tweets, and all the hype, and you’re telling me you’re NOT the favourites? No Dwayne, stop being a little bitch and running away from the copious amounts of pressure you narcissistic bastards threw only yourselves.

15. Great article on the whole free agent coup which features some good Lebron working: Go Lakers

16. Last point: I know we’ve all seen this but this clip was made for my blog. 20 bucks says all the stuff about Mo Williams and Bosh all really happened.

17. I hate you Lerbon, I really do. I hope you fail miserably. I hope that either Wade or Bosh get injured, and your team goes up against Cleveland and loses. I hope you never win a championship, never get married, and never find eternal happiness. I hope you end your career with the Raptors as this will mean you will have hit rock bottom. I hope Dwayne Wade outplays you and  you become the defacto 2nd banana. I hope you get involved in a gay sex scandal with Chris Bosh. And lastly, if you do win a championship, I hope you wake up the next morning with the thought that “maybe this would’ve been sweeter if I didn’t need 2 other stars to win”. The second that thought creeps in, it will make you feel like you still have something to prove. And after winning mutliple MVPs, a gold medal, and a NBA championship, still having the feeling that you have something to prove will be the worst feeling ever. And I hope to god that happens to you.

18. But other that, I hope you do extremely well.

Keith Ballard taking a dirty cheap shot.

We hate this guy. As you will see in the first 2 points, not only is he an overpaid, overrated, and over hyped human being/player, but he is also a colossal determent to his own team. Enjoy. Ps. We hate Keith Ballard.

  1. Lets start it off with Ballard at his finest. His fine composure and his ability to really control his emotions are going to be a big addition to the Canucks to this year:
  2. Oh, lets not forget Ballards high offensive prowess. Check out this snipe show performance:
  3. You know its bad when even Sportsnet is making fun of you. What a joke this guy is.
  4. It must be said though that as much as we want to rip on the Canucks for overpaying up the ass to get Keith Ballard, that at least they are taking strides to be a better team. The San Jose Sharks lost their captain, starting goalie, and checking line center from last year and have done nothing to fill these holes. I know it always sucks to be a Sharks fan, but this doesn’t help.
  5. Rumor of the week: New feature to Sunday Fodder. We started this because I heard this rumor and could not stop laughing. 2 years ago when Robinho joined Manchester City, there is a huge rumor that he thought he was joining Manchester United as he did not realize there were 2 teams in Manchester. When he got there he then found out that he would not be playing in Champions League. Fast forward to present day, and Robinho is no longer with Man City. I’ll leave it up to you if you want to believe this or not.
  6. Pic of week: With Lakers head coach Philip Jackson returning to lead Kobe and crew to another three-peat, we thought we’d show some old school love to the Zen Master (hat tip to Omar)
  7. Quote of the Week: I tried to pick a line out of this but I just couldn’t. This guy just works Chris Bosh. Scroll down to point 8: CHRIS BOSH. This guy tears into him. Bosh getting owned
  8. Stat of the Week: Zero. As in the amount of playoff games Keith Ballard has played in his career. Zero, as in the amount of women he has probably slept with during that time as well.
  9. If you put a blonde wig on CBC World Cup Analyst Jason Devos, does he not look IDENTICAL to Kirsten Dunst?
  10. We here at the Jammer Blog are HUGE fans of one Casey Printers and are awaiting anxiously as he leads BC back to Grey Cup. Here is a clip that proves my point that NOTHING will stand in Casey’s way of leading us back to the promise land (:30 mark, BC/EDM Highlights) Casey the beast
  11. Remember that Nike: Write the Future ad I put on the blog a few weeks ago? Probably not, but whatever. Here is a nice follow up article to that commerical. Conspiracy? You better believe it!
  12. Hey Keith Ballard, F**K You.
  13. Final thought: The greatest off season in sports history has been an absolute dud so far. The biggest signing thus far in either the NHL or NBA might actually be Dan Hamhuis. Kovalchuk, Lebroner, Wade, Bosh, and Modano (throwing him in there because we think he might be coming to Detroit) have all remained unsigned.
  14. Those NBA Players who have signed (Paul Pierce, Dirk Nowitzki, and Joe Johnson) put us all back to sleep by re upping with their old teams. So here is my revolutionary idea: Free agents have ONE day to sign. After that, you’re stuck back where you were.
  15. Sounds stupid, I agree. But think: TV ratings would be through the roof, you’re teams fortune really only hangs in the balance for 1 day appose to a week or in Mats Sundin’s case, 5 months. And the best part is, this can definitely be done. Make July 1st the cut off date and allow for free agents to meet with teams prior to this date.
  16. What’s the worst that can happen? A team trades a prospect, pick, and player for a guy who scores on his own net and is a danger to his own teammates? Common, no GM would be that dumb
  17. Right?

From John Wall, to Carlos Tevez, to a whole lot of unnecessary tennis, this week had it all! I hope we all took it in as much as we could because that’ll be the best week of sports we’ll see all offseason. So in honor of this great week, I will attempt to actually write a good post for the first time since that Booker T one. Enjoy.

  1. Let’s get er started with the NHL Draft. There is absolutely no reason that the first round should take 4 hours to complete. Teams should stop thanking their fans (see quote of week), stop talking about how excited they are to be here, stop thanking the city for their hospitality, and just cut out all unnecessary details about the player itself.
  2. This is how the Bruins should’ve just done their pick: “Seguin”. No first name needed, we don’t need to know what league or what team he played on, and we definitely don’t need to hear how happy you are to draft him. Just say his last name, and get off the stage. Scrap the whole picture and handshake ordeal too.
  3. Last tidbit on the NHL Draft: Anyone else think the only reason the Nucks went after Keith Ballard is to help themselves expedite their way out of that Luongo deal? I mean, if he’s forced to retire due to severe head and facial injuries, all of a sudden he’s off the books. Just saying…
  4. The NBA Draft also went down this week, and Jammer Blog brotha, John Wall went with the number 1 pick. If you didn’t see the John Wall post, check it out
  5. Although Sidney Crosby did not win anything at the NHL Award Show, he is heavily favored to clean up this weekend at the Grabbys
  6. Best part of the award show might’ve been the Getlzaf/Bobby Ryan Olympics skit. If you’re a USA hockey fan don’t watch this clip and get the hell off my site (kidding).
  7. Note: It’s nice to see that they got Kevin Weekes to do some comedy before the skit.
  8. Last tidbit about the NHL Awards: Jimmy Howard got screwed out of the Calder. Screwed.
  9. The NHL Hall of Fame inducted Angela James, Cammi Granato, and Dino Ciccerelli  on Tuesday, making it the worst Hall of Fame Class in any sports hall of fame ever as well as officially making the NHL Hall of Fame much like the league itself: a complete joke.
  10. I mean its one thing to let 2 women in, but to allow 3 in one class is a bit much.
  11. All Dino C. did in his career was play long enough to accumulate decent numbers. He didn’t win any individual awards, never won a cup, never had more than 1 double digit post season point splurge, and was never at any point one of the best players at a given time in league history.
  12. And lets not forget he DID indeed shake Claude Lemieux’s hand after THE DIRTIEST HIT IN HOCKEY whether “he can’t believe it” or not (3:20 mark).
  13. The Hall of Fame should just create a “pluggers” category where they put the likes of Dino, Rod Langway, Cam Neely, and any future women
  14. Picture of the Week: Given that it was draft week, we’d be remiss if we didn’t feature Len Bias on this blog post. Here’s a pic that makes you think “what if”, as this could have been one of basketballs great courtship rivalries
  15. Note: Isn’t it weird to see Jordan NOT wearing Nike shoes?
  16. Stat of the Week: Carlos Tevez’s wonder strike in the Round of 16 Match vs. Mexico clocked in at 111 KM/Hr. When he shoots a ball that hard into the net, Argentina is unbeaten in the tournament thus far.
  17. Quote of the Week: “Before we make our selection, we’d like to waste everyones time by saying hi to [insert team name here] fans who are back home in [insert team arena name here] watching the draft at our draft party”–25/30 NHL General Mangers at this years draft
  18. What’s funny about this quote is that teams like the Oilers, Penguins, and Bruins all have their draft parties at their home arenas while teams like the Thrashers, Panthers, and BJ’s all have it at a bar. I’m willing to bet tickets were still available for all the latter’s draft parties.
  19. Interesting note about these draft preambles: Not ONE team congratulated the Blackhawks on their cup win. Not ONE! That has to be the first time this has ever happened.
  20. Final thought: We had to save our coveted final spot to the rarest and most amazing sports event ever. No the Raptors didn’t finally do something right at the Draft, but rather the 10 hour tennis marathon.
  21. If you wanted to, you could’ve watched the whole first hour at home in Vancouver, taken a flight to England, got off the plane, cabbed down to Wimbledon, and caught the last HOUR of the game live.
  22. So to these great 2 competitors, regardless of what happened out there, you’re both winners our books.
  23. But in a more accurate way, John Isner is the winer and Nicolas Mahut is the guy who played tennis for 11 hours to not get to the 2nd round.

As we all watched (happily) as the United States got knocked out of the World Cup earlier today, I couldn’t help but think what they needed to add in order to improve 4 years from now. Well, they need strikers (not one goal in World Cup Play from a striker since 1992), they could definitely use a couple new center backs (both of em blew bad today), and a new coach would be helpful (nothing has to be more humiliating than making a sub in the 30th minute because you know you botched the starting XI).

So for fun we thought we’d put together our own Team USA Soccer team, featuring America’s best professional athletes on the planet.

Note: We will be playing a 4-4-2 formation

Goaltender: Calvin Johnson, WR Detroit Lions

Johnson would the perfect guy to start in goal for Team USA. At 6’5 he has more than enough length to interfere and disrupt crosses, while being almost impossible to chip when you factor in his insanely high vertical leap. Johnson also had 67 receptions last in  year in 14 games for the Detroit Lions, so we like his ability to catch and hold onto the ball as well. At only 24 years of age, Johnson could be the next big thing in USA soccer.

Center Back: Ron Artest, SF Los Angeles Lakers

Artest has defense written all over him

We like the idea of having a lockdown defender as one of our 2 center backs. Artest did a wonderful job during the postseason in locking down the opposing teams number 1 option, and that skillset will serve him well in the heart of our back 4. Artest is built like a rock with a body from of 6’7 and 245 pounds, so we like his ability to win tackles and stay with bigger strikers such as Didier Drogba. Artest also has a flare for making crucial offensive plays which could come in handy late in games.

Center Back: Erik Johnson, D St. Louis Blues

At 6’4 and over 230 pounds, Johnson not only has size but very good mobility. He’s very comfortable playing on the big stage for his national country, as he played on Team USA’s hockey team at the Winter Olympics that took home the Silver Medal. In the NHL Johnson is seen as an elite 2 way defenseman with huge upside, and playing together with Artest means we think he’ll be able to jump into the rush more frequently. At the tender age of 22, Johnson could become a future captain for this squad.

Note: Average size of our 2 center backs would be 6’5 and 238 pounds. Beast.

Left Back: Lebron James, SF Chicago Bulls/Miami Heat/anywhere but Cleveland

How could we put a team like this together and leave off Lebron? Of all the positions on the field, we feel Lebron would be best suited here at left back. A staple of the NBA All defensive team, Lebron has shown a commitment to defense, while maintaing his elite level status as one of the games best all around scorers. We would use Lebron has more of a wingback type defenseman and involve him heavily in our offense. Nobody on the planet can track back the way Lebron does and deny the opposition a score, so we have no hesitation about letting him loose on offense. At 6’9, he would be a huge factor on set pieces for us (both offensively and defensively).

Right Back: Darrelle Revis, CB New York Jets

The best one on one cover man in the NFL. He plays the right cornerback position for the Jets and we would have no problem matching him up on the same side as Cristiano Ronaldo or Paul Stalteri. Revis talks a big game too and we feel he could get under the skin of opposing players. We would not want him involved too much in our offense as we need him to be a stay at home presence, but Revis is known for game changing plays, and that is always a skill set good to be left unharnessed.

Lewis provides all the intangibles needed for Team USA

Defensive Center Midfielder: Ray Lewis, MLB Baltimore Ravens

A man who tackles for a living, we couldn’t find a better option for this spot than Ray Lewis. The definition of leadership and beastfulness, he would anchor our midfield and allow for our midfielders to get up in the play. He would NEVER lose a 50/50 tackle and once you go in once with him, nobody is dumb enough to challenge him again. Nobody understands the concept of defense better than him, and he has sideline to sideline range. Lewis would wear the captains armband for us and lead by example every night.

Offensive Center Midfielder: Kobe Bryant, SG Los Angeles Lakers

If Lebron gets to play, than so does Kobe. We need someone in this positoin who can make plays for himself and his teammates, and isn’t afraid to take a game over. Enter Kobe Bryant. A man who can seemingly do anything to help his team win, we like having him in the middle of the park. At 6’6, he has outstanding height while being able to move a swiftly as anyone on the park. Bryant also knows multiple languages such as Spanish and Italian, so he could help give us insight on what the opposing teams are doing.

Wide Right Midfield: Patrick Kane, F Chicago Blackhawks

Kane is the perfect combination of skill, flare, and trouble that makes him to hard to pass up. We like having his speed and skill on the outside and having him play in front of Revis allows for us not to notice some of his defensive deficiencies. Although he is both young and undersized, his resume of being a big time scorer and big game player will earn him respect among his peers. His unique celebrations will also be a bonus.

Gloria James will get to see both her men play

Wide Left Midfield: Delonte West, SG Cleveland Cavaliers

We cant possibly pass up the potential drama of Lebron and West playing on the same side of the field for 90 minutes. Aside from that, West would actually be a decent fit here: He’s a left footed player who has no problems continually deferring to Lebron when the game gets serious. Also, this way Mrs. Lebron James can watch both her men at the same time on the same side of the field. See, everyone wins.

Striker: Michael Johnson, Retired Olympic Sprinter

Ok, I know this guy is like 85 years old and hasn’t done anything of relevance in years. However, we are going to rewind the clcoks back 15 years and take that Michael Johnson. We love his speed up front and his ability to run 200 and 400M faster than anyone else on the planet means we can play long ball all night. Also, given that this is soccer, if we ever need to fake an injury, Johnson should have no problem doing that:

Striker: Zach Parise, F New Jersey Devils

Parise might’ve been a good addition to the actual Team USA soccer team. Great speed, offensive instincts, and one of the best goal scoring touches on the planet makes him an easy choice to lead our attack. Add in his 1 v. 1 ability and the States finally have that elusive game breaker. Parise also has a pension for scoring big goals (see Gold Medal Game) and always performs well for his country.

Head Coach: Phil Jackson, Los Angeles Lakers

11 championships. Do I need to say anymore? The dude flat out wins and he knows how to coach and handle talent. This was probably the biggest no brainer other than Delonte West.

Lemme know what you think! Love to hear your thoughts

Much love,

The Jammer Blog