F*ck Free Agency Fodder

19Jul10

Look who be back! And back with an edge. Dropping the vaunted F-Bomb in the title? That’s straight hoodin’. In the immortal words of 9 time WWE World Champion John Cena: “Aww, you done did it now
Chaos you shoulda put this one in the vault man!
They not ready – they don’t know what’s comin man!
Oh we gonna drop this on ’em right here
Y’all ain’t ready for this, Y’ALL AIN’T READY FOR NONE OF THIS!

1. Ilya Kovalchuk signed with the New Jersey Devils today after embarrassingly crawling back to the LA Kings 3 separate times to try and get a deal done. When he couldn’t get it goin with the Kings, he then saves face by signing with the Devils.

2. Can someone explain to me how the Devils allowed him to do this? Think of it this way: You propose to this girl you want to marry. She basically says yes but doesn’t take the ring just yet. While you’re waiting for her to accept your hand in marriage, she is out there whoring herself out still for a better partner. She then openly goes out and does everything she can to get this other guy (LA Kings) to offer her a hand in marriage. After failing miserably, she then takes you up on your offer of marriage and you are now locked in till “death do us part”.

3. I’m pretty sure Chris Brown and Rihanna had a healthier relationship than this.

4. Kovy signed for a reported 17 years. There is also believed to be an out clause if the Kings show interest in him at any point during the first decade of this deal.

5. On an actual hockey note, this signing makes the Devils 1 of only 5 teams (according to Jammer Blog calculations) who could have 2 40 goal scorers in their lineup (Kovy and Parise). Others include Pitt (Crosbitch and Malkin), Washington (Ovechkin and Semin), Detroit (Zetterberg and Franzen), and San Jose (Marleau and the murderer).

6. Note: The Blackcocks could have it as well, but history shows us that Hossa is the only to have done it (Kane and Toews haven’t really come close yet)

7. I hate Lebron James and the Miami Heat. I hate Lebron so much he has moved into number 3 on my all time hate list behind Sidney Crosby and Oprah Winfrey.

8. Greatest Radio Intro ever: This is it. I have listened to this about 10 times already. Dude brings up some unreal points.

9. Stat of the week: I know you just heard it, but Lebron James won 66 games last year, WITHOUT DWAYNE WADE. That is just too funny and too impressive.

10. Quote of the week: “If you’re the two-time defending NBA MVP, you don’t leave anywhere. They come to you. That’s ridiculous. I like LeBron. He’s a great player. But I don’t think in the history of sports you can find a two-time defending MVP leaving to go play with other people.”- Charles Barkley on Lebron James’ decision

11. Lebron James’ diamond jersey pendant has gone missing. Also missing are all of Lebron James’ championship rings.

12. Hey Lebron, you may be heading south, but your mom’s ridin’ West: Check it

13. I hate you Lebron.

14. Dwayne Wade recently said that he thought the Lakers were the favourites to win it all. Wait, what was that Dwayne? After an hour long TV special, an epic entrance into Miami with fireworks, smoke, and 20,000 people, all the tweets, and all the hype, and you’re telling me you’re NOT the favourites? No Dwayne, stop being a little bitch and running away from the copious amounts of pressure you narcissistic bastards threw only yourselves.

15. Great article on the whole free agent coup which features some good Lebron working: Go Lakers

16. Last point: I know we’ve all seen this but this clip was made for my blog. 20 bucks says all the stuff about Mo Williams and Bosh all really happened.

17. I hate you Lerbon, I really do. I hope you fail miserably. I hope that either Wade or Bosh get injured, and your team goes up against Cleveland and loses. I hope you never win a championship, never get married, and never find eternal happiness. I hope you end your career with the Raptors as this will mean you will have hit rock bottom. I hope Dwayne Wade outplays you and  you become the defacto 2nd banana. I hope you get involved in a gay sex scandal with Chris Bosh. And lastly, if you do win a championship, I hope you wake up the next morning with the thought that “maybe this would’ve been sweeter if I didn’t need 2 other stars to win”. The second that thought creeps in, it will make you feel like you still have something to prove. And after winning mutliple MVPs, a gold medal, and a NBA championship, still having the feeling that you have something to prove will be the worst feeling ever. And I hope to god that happens to you.

18. But other that, I hope you do extremely well.

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2 Responses to “F*ck Free Agency Fodder”

  1. Great post, I really enjoyed reading it, hilarious stuff! I think that Lebron showed he isn’t born with the same mentality as guys like Jordan and Kobe by choosing to join Wade and Bosh in Miami. It somewhat surprised me that he didn’t want to take the lead and show that he is one of the best leaders of all-time and carry his team to an NBA championship. It seems like it would be so much sweeter to win 1 championship in Cleveland rather than win 3 in Miami. But that’s just me. Also, you think you could check out my blog cuz I really wanna know your opinion on my thoughts. http://chrisross91.wordpress.com/2010/07/19/forget-lebron-dwyane-wade-is-still-king-of-south-beach/

    • thanks chris! really appreciate you reading the blog and commenting. Lebron is a douchebag and I’m more than glad to see that you agree.

      I really enjoyed your article. I’m a big Kobe guy and there is a lot in your post I agree with. You think the Heat are gonna win it all this year? I think no but I’ll bet the house on multiple titles before 2013.

      Howd you find out about my blog? Always curious to know.

      Have a good one,

      Jammer


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